stupid brain

Darrens party was ok.

I feel bad and confused and nervous and i wish i could kill my brain so it couldn't think for itself. just leave my heart so i could still love and feel emotions and care about other people and what they want. I want my brain gone so i cant have my own opinions. they are usually stupid and selfish and bad and i dont even care about them that much. i want others to be happy more than what i want.

I keep rereading the 6 1/2 pages in my hand. I usually just reread one or 2 certain paragraphs. my head hurts and i cant think.

i feel dead to everything except claire. Its somewhat annoying. I wish i had other things just so i could take my mind off of everything for a while. i think it would help me refocus

sigh

out

CMON STEELERS

Today was ok. Had boring p.e we were golfing. Break was good and i told claire wed meet in the stands for the international fair assembly in the freshman stands. When I walked into the gym the freshman stands were only being used by the performers so we couldn't sit there. I didn't know where claire was and ended up having to sit with dang -_____-. Spanish was after where alleah drew stuff on my hand. Cadd next where i was mad at masons friends who were blackmailing me to annoy me. I want to punch daniels face. Lunch next kinda boring. Bio worked on sheet and played cards. English watched oddysey. Math i made a 25 and a 10 dollar bet on the steelers to win the super bowl. They BETTER win. Idk where i could get all that money at once.

CMON STEELERS

Im looking forward to tomorrow. Darrens party should be ok but what im really looking forward to is claire and the letters :D. I cant wait i think itll be great.

and btw

is it'll really a abbreviation thingy? im not sure >.<

random i knos!

I need to work on my letter and i will when claire logs off.

outtie

race fair!

Sorry I havnt been blogging lately. Claire hasnt been on so i havnt really been on the computer much with not much to do besides chat. Thats when i do most of my blogging. I will now recommit to blogging more when i can. it helps me get some things off of my mind.

The last few days have been ok. Working on something that i need to finish by saturday or sunday. Kinda boring with claire not on much anymore. Still things havnt gone as badly as they did on monday.

Today it was short day. There was the international fair with a bunch of different races represented. I started laughing when i saw a guy from my old school who thought he was all cool and stuff with a painted mustache on his face. It was ok. Some ok food and i got 2 fortunes from fortune cookies. I forgot the first one and the second one said a lost treasure will be soon found or something. After school i biked to the library. I met claire there. We talked about some stuff. i was happy when it was said and done.

Gotta go now will blog more tmrw or later tonight

Word of the day is crap

Sorry I could blog last night. If I had time im sure i would have blogged about how happy i was. I am happy about yesterday and all of the stuff that we talked about and stuff. But now im back to school which is even more depressing and tiring and pathetic then usual. even more problems have come up for me and i feel depressed just thinking about it. Maybe im taking things too much at immediate face value and i should let it change more but for now it looks like crap. heres my day in a nutshell

P.E - Cold Crap
Spanish - Boring Crap
Break - awesome of course but its only 15 minutes long...
CADD - Stupid Crap
Bio - Hedstrom Crap
Lunch - Pointless crap
English - depressing crap
Geometry - Frustrating Crap

Then i come home and guess what more news is!!!

Crap

suprise suprise

Yesterday was fun. Bowling for claires party.

I'm too tired and frustrated to type.

out

not enough time to blog

read the title! will tmrw

stupid

Im so stupid. I've always gotten in trouble with teachers and sometimes friends for always speaking my mind. You think for once I could just shut the hell up. This is entirely my fault and no one elses. im so

stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
stupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupidstupid
stupid
stupidstupid
stupidstupid
stupidstupid
stupidstupid
stupidstupid
stupid
stupidstupid
stupid
stupidstupid
stupid
stupidstupid
stupid
stupidstupid
stupid
stupid

im a complete retard.

this should be my new website dedicated to me www.youfail.org

out

complications

Gah. i dont know what to type. To many random thoughts and feelings running around in my brain. Some things were resolved and some things said today. i wish it was just simple. I hate a bunch of things in different parts of my life cuz they just complicate my life. I just wish it wasnt so hard and confusing. i just want everything to go away.

my head hurts.

out

Emo Ryans making a comeback

Today was bad. school stupid and boring then claire had to cancel then had to watch depressing movie then fell back into my emo state for no reason. It just happened and i feel like all my problems are going into a backpack on my back and my back just snapped. now they are everywhere around me and im just helpless in the dirt. i feel so sad and tired right now. its noones fault and i dont want anyone (you know who you are) blaming themselves. its just me in my pathetic way. maybe ill get back up and put everything back into my backpack. if i can. sometimes i just want to run away from this city just to escape from all the crap that goes on here for me. Then i think of why and whos making me stay. and i stay.

i need to not be emo this is pathetic! i think i need to get more sleep.

Now i know

Sorry for the abrupt end to my last post. My brother thought for some reason it would be good if he dented the wall with my head and knocked me out.

Anyways...

Today was long. P.E was boring golf spanish was boring worksheet cadd was boring drawing bio was boring hedstrom and geometry was boring people. Only my english class was good. We got our finals back and i had one of the better finals scores and i found out i beat kevin. LIKE OMG I BEAT FREAKING KEVIN! hes the nerdy kid who studies all the time and gets As on everything. We also took this test to determine our best match for sadis hawkins dance and i just laughed. These tests are total bs XD. whatever results i get from that ill just say no thanks i already got the best match ever :). Break was nice as usual i always feel happiest when im around claire. Lunch was ok me and tyler and darren went to sign up for the golf team. This is the first year where they have to cut some people as there are limited spots on teams due to reeduced budgets. I think me and darren have a decent shot at making the team. Sadly i think tyler has no chance. based on the one time he played he did terrible.

Emo ryans corpse is trying to get up but i keep kicking it back down. it was back for a while after daniel beat me up yesterday but the prospect of the weekend with claire and other things ended up driving it away. still worry but i dont get emo bout it ^.^

The past few months have been amazing for me in the good times and the bad. Ive had times where i have felt insanely happy and insanely depressed. Before i met claire life was just sorta like a side show for me. Id just live it out for the simple pleasures like when i could play fun video games and go to fun places. I didnt really care about anything. It was all just there and i ignored it and was apathetical to almost everything. There were a few things that made me happy or sad but nothing that really made me bother to think twice. Now that i do seriously care about something i feel that i am living life the way it was meant to be lived. Among the happiness challenges have arisen and before that i hadnt had anything important happen to me that i had to try hard to fix. It was all just a cruise for me. The new challenges make me feel like im actually an adult and mature. That i actually have to worry about something and put an effort and emotion into making it all be better. Even my moment of insane depression made me feel alive. The only time i mightve ever felt anything near it is when my grandpa died. But that isnt really a challenge its just things that happen as time goes bye and nothing i can do about it. My moment of insane depression made me feel that i cared about something. That my life actually was worth a second glance. That finally something was this important to me. The happy blissful moments made me feel like i could do something important to me with my life. Something that wasnt just work work work or unimportant play. That something could just make me forget everything else and smile. I wouldnt trade all that has happened between me and claire, bad and good, for anything. Nothing has been more important to me in my life than this is now.

I used to wonder why society put so much attention and hype on love.

Now i know.

Out

knockout

Today was pretty good. Came to school and went into gym to watch barack obama be sworn in as the 44th president of the united states in one of the most historic moments the world has ever seen. and its broken. It blacks out and doesnt play the inaugaration and we cant hear it or anything. i curse crappy public education and blame the government. Instead people just shouted and laughed all period long. I thought break was next and i went to wait near the gym. As a mob gathered in front of the boys locker room i asked someone who said it was 3rd period next. I went over to the spanish area where i saw people hanging out and concluded it was break not 3rd period. I went back and saw claire. We went behind the gym and somehow patrick emerged from the gym yet again. hes soooo stalking us. anyways we sat and talked and laughed about stuff. spanish next and got my first final back! got B- on it which brings overall grade up to a D+. I talked to allia and alejandro and attempted to steal allias sticker on her test at which point she started chanting stuff to annoy me. Sad i know. Me mum thinks i may have to take summer school. Cadd next where we took notes. Bio was hilarious. Hedstrom apparently deserted the class and a man named edstrom (no relation) was subbing.

At this point my brother knocked me out against the wall and i dont want to #$%&ing type.

perfection seeking

Today was fun. Woke up 8ish and had neighbor bryan (neighboy) bug me all day. Morning was unexciting. Claire came over at about 3:30 when my dad got back from work. We went on youtube and watched old people fall over and babies laugh. We went on a walk with neighboy constantly stalking us. i am seriously annoyed with him. After walking we sat down on my lawn and talked. She got picked up and left eventually.

I think i am seeking perfection too much. I think emo ryan is gone at least for now but i am still sad about some things. I love claire so much and i just want everything to be perfect between me and her but i know that is impossible. There are too many small unknowns and worries and little problems that float around. I feel so many things and i just cant describe it all. i just wish we could both know everything the other thinks and feels and understand each other perfectly so we can just be together and not have to worry about anything. I know this is impossible as it is in the humans nature to worry but i feel insecure despite the fact i shouldnt at all. I worry about the tiniest things and am terrified i will lose her. i wish i had a way to test everything i want to say or do before i do it so i dont have to take any risks. i hate taking risks when i could lose all that i love.

anywayz following that little rant i shall follow up with another completely unrelated one! what fun!

tomorrow is january 20th and a big day for america. Obama will be sworn in as the 44th president of the united states. I think this is the most important inaugaration in the history of america since george washington. it marks a pivotal turning point on how race is viewed in america. I think this perfectly represents that in this country anything is possible as long as you have the drive and the desire to achieve it more than anyone else. I believe obama will bring great change to the nation and will start a new chapter in american leadership.

school tomorrow

out

locked away

Didnt really have time to blog last night. Yesterday was pretty good. I went to church where nicky and tulani argued over whether or not there was more people or it was crowded (cmon seriously?) After church went on aim and turned on radio to listen to cardinals-eagles championship game. The cardinals ended up winning. Then claire picked me up and we went to blockbuster to rent some movies. We got eagle eye and shes the man. Claires mom dropped us off in the park and we walked to her house from there. We chased birds and chucked rocks at them. When we got back by virtue of a dvd case flip (coin flip except with dvds!) we watched shes the man first. It was weird and somewhat unrealistic. Had a few funny scenes but not very good in all. After the movie we had dinner. Alex kept asking if someone was calling him a largeass. We then watched eagle eye. It was pretty good. i dont remember too much except the ending which had a scene that was similar to the one in get smart where a bomb went off from a music note. The guy shot the gun in the air in the middle of the capitol building surrounded by guards and the president and other high ranking politicians to silence the band to save them all. The master computer was behind it all (like in walle) and ended up getting stabbed in its eye by a special agent girl.

I've got to stop being all emo. I know people who have far greater troubles then me and remain happy all the time. i should act more like them. True i have one or 2 really bad things going on but ive also got a really good thing going on and that should be enough to make me happy. I have locked emo ryan in a cage and he can only be awakened if something comes and rouses him.

The super bowl this year makes me want to scream. Cardinals vs. Steelers? Thats my 2nd least favorite super bowl combination possible. however i must root for the cardinals so the niners can hold their 5 super bowl record and not have the steelers break it.

And im sure all my readers are avid football fans...

out

park and stuff...

yesterday at the park was fun. Claire, jessica and sisters, austin, sarah, kelsea, alvin, terrence, shawn, norman, and somehow vincent were all in our group. We played volleyball and tennis and monkey in the middle and truth or dare. it was fun. Me and claire rode on terrences bike and terrence tackled me for the volleyball in monkey in the middle. I had a good time. Afterwards me and claire came home and walked and talked and stuff.

Sorry for not blogging last night. I was just too tired. I cant put all my thoughts down in here cuz they too scrambled and random and confused. i just want to get this thing to be talked about and resolved so we can put it behind us and move on. I just dont know exactly how and i feel bad talking about it. i want it to be talked about but its just hard...

i just wish things were different...

out

finals are over!

Today was last day of finals. Started with bio which was hard. I dont think i did very well on it. Break next and patrick attempted to hide in the gym behind us. We just laughed at him. Break was nice we just laughed at stuff. English final was easy. i didnt even read half the oddysey and i think i got an A on it. After school i finished bio final in library and went over to nickys house. Me nicky darren and tyler were there and we played mario kart and brawl for wii. Tyler and darren kept on restarting in mario kart cuz they wanted to switch characters (although very little difference between em) and im like just pick the effing characters u want to begin with! Later nicky managed to accidently kick me in the eye. not fun -______-.

Feeling slightly less gloomy then the last few days. Maybe just gone stress of finals. maybe looking forward to fun weekend. im still slightly nervous bout talk. Im not really sure about anything right now.

looking forward to weekend and possible 3 days straight with claire :D.

Out

Spikes

Today was day 2 of finals. Spanish and CADD. i did the spanish final multiple choice was easy and written was hard. After spanish my 2 stalkers at break, alejandro and patrick, were bugging me and i shook them off when claire came out of the girls locker room. Later when i biked to 7-11 alejandro was already there and hes like WHOS STALKING WHO NOW. anyways back to the day. Break was nice talked about random stuff. Cadd was immensly boring they managed to block like all the internet games site i go to. i just zoned out and read oddysey. Im on chapter 10 now hooray only 14 to go in like 1 hour! im gonna have to stay up l8 to finish. Ya after that came home went on aim and to 7-11 nothing exciting... Went to bible study later on. It was kinda funny. Back now sitting dreading the oddysey...

I was talking to raymond earlier. He said something he observed in the 3 or so friends hes seen with girlfriends is that your happiness meter turns into spikes and everything else seems dull by comparison. Thats about true for me right now. Maybe im just on a down spike right now. Itll probably go back up. Just need something to shake it up a little. And that somethings probably coming...

Spike meter go up!

Looking forward to tomorrow with nicky and friendz and possible 3 days straight with claire :D. of course probably wont. saturday is probably sunday is maybe and monday is a yessy. need to work out times and stuff.

Out

Day One

Today was day 1 of finals! went well cuz no hard finals. Woke up at 7:30 took a nice long shower and ate breakfast and went on aim since i didnt get picked up till 9:15. Talked to nicky and raymond who also both had late schedule. Got picked up at 9:15 and went to school. When i got to school, i headed for the side of the gym where my friends were hanging out cuz i didnt think claire would be waiting for me. i went around the back of the gym to check. she wasnt there so i went to the side of the gym with my friends. She saw me go around the back so she went to and then when i wasnt there she was walking out from behind the gym and i saw her. I was sorta zoning out had no idea what tyler was talking about. when i saw her i walked towards her and tyler shouted what the fuck! we went behind the gym and sat. She seemed really quiet. we then headed off to our next finals (p.e for me and math for her). I went to p.e. it was easy got 80 curlups, 15 pushups, 14.5 on sit and reach, and 6:08 on mile. After that we went to gym for rest of break and i played basketball. Lunch was ok tyler had gone home so me nicky darren asian patrick and white patrick (what we call em) all hung out by the side of the gym. First time i met white patrick. I knew whose friend he was but he didnt know about me... anyways after lunch had geometry which was easy. annoying ppl attempting to cheat off meh. went home.

feeling somewhat depressy/emo again D=. stupid everything bugging me. looking forward to da weekend for fun stuff with claire :].

Out

burnt to hellz!

Today was just blaugh. Free time in P.E which was ok i guess. Spanish presented my creature. Which i have just made a very desirable improvement to it (write about later). Break which was nice although alejandro kept stalking me O.O. Cadd was boring we had to draw sketches on isometric paper and drawing is not my strong suit. Bio was incredibly stupid. We had chapters 7-9 part of our final. Me and nico shared answers and i traded tests so i could have the same form as him. In exchange for the test, i allowed the guy i traded with to copy my other 2 tests (7 8 9 all seperate). although i didnt tell him and he didnt notice they were different forms so hell probably fail XD. manraj kept trying to copy off me too. gave him a few wrong answers. Lunch was boring chess club closed and we all sat by the gym. Gary (chess club president) joined us because he has no friends -____-. english was ok vy and connie harrassed me about stuff that Tim said that is SO not true -______________-. Geometry boring worked on packet. After school went to library to complete bio tests. I took a book from her classroom when i left earlier and i just looked up all the answers so it was easy. Came home and couldnt get on comp due to annoying parents. When i did manage to get on i knew claire was at dance by then. She logged on eventually. She asked me to name 5 good things about my life after i said it was depressing. i said claire bear :D, im alive (gosh what a bs answer i definitely hope i am), Bush is out of office soon (its about america not even me -____-) moms not home (soon she will arrive and my list goes down), and ooooh i can burn my spanish creature (woooooooooot). I proceed to burn my spanish minime (in the sink for safety of course) with claire watching and laughing. then i had just the legs left and i cut them up into small pieces. A small section of the waist remains. I shall bring it to school and show people what remains of me! what fun.

I feel its pathetic i cant even name 5 serious good things about my life. I could only name one. Nothing else seems to be good anymore. Even Darren has started showing angry signs at me and he almost never gets angry. Tyler maintains his avoiding ignoring ways. Nickys good but hes not really a friend i can feel i can talk to about serious stuff. He just doesnt take anything seriously enough. I dont really like my group of friends right now. I miss the mcs group. My mother remains a angry banshee and my brother continues to be an ass. School remains annoying. Finals tmrw. still need to read the odyssey and all.i hate studying i view school as work time and home as free time from school. I hate doing homework and stuff. thats why i always do it in class. There is nothing else good happening in life right now. Everythings makes me sad.

I just laugh and smile cause i dont really know how to do anything else. But there is one good reason to smile :).

Sad Ryan out

Today was ok. I woke up at 7 and took a shower. I went to school and to P.E as normal. P.E was ok. We ran the mile and i ran it slow with my p.e partner because he wanted me to. It was actually not freezing for once while we ran. Had Spanish next and everyone said i was gonna present today. My name was drawn at 10:15. But Mrs. Holloway said there wasnt enough time for me to go and i was like HELL YEAH cuz i had no idea what i was gonna say. Break was nice i was nervous after the talk but it was fine and nice as usual :]. Cadd was fun played zombie rampage or something like that. Bio was boring as usual. Lunch was ok. English was fun. We were just supposed to be studying and instead we mostly talked and stole kevins stuff. Geometry we took a test with everyone trying to look at my paper.

Im somewhat nervous with talking about the thing with claire. I think that its something we should talk but still...

Gah finals. Im now on chapter 4 of the odyssey! only 300pages left! OMG IS SO LONG AND BORING AND EVERYTHING TAKES FOREVER EXPLAIN SOMETHING IN ONE LINE FOR ONCE FOOLS! STUPID GREEKY PEOPLE!

Blaugh

Out

A distracting day (in the good way)

Today was good after the early morning. I was up till 2 mostly just thinking about things from yesterday. i just wanted to scream and punch something. Perhaps break someones bones. Anyways i fell asleep at 2 and woke up at 8ish. parents ran off to church. I was left home alone with daniel. I ended up going to the bakery by longs drugs by bike with my neighbor. I got a croissant and we talked bout stuff. When i came back i got picked up and went to church. Church was boring as usual with tulani harrassing me about something. Came back home and then went to watch steelers-chargers game. I predicted a steelers victory while he though the chargers would win. The Steelers won. We came back home and i played some basketball with him. We had free throw contests to see who could make the most free throws out of 10. He won every time. His worst game was 7 of 10. He kept saying were going in after this game and i kept saying noooo just one more ima win this time. and it kept going. Eventually after we both had made 6 straight so it was 6 - 6 and my shot and i missed. so he was winning. I decided i couldnt defeat him unless resorting to my secret skills of cheating. after i missed i jumped on his back and wrapped my arms around his arms so he could barely move them. While holding my 125ish pounds on his back and unable to move his arms, he flicked his wrist and threw a weak underhand shot. it went straight in. I freaked out laughing and stuff. After that i came in and my parents went out for dinner. So just me and daniel and dougie in the house. And here i am. I actually had a good day that wasnt with claire for once, although most of the time i was still brooding on yesterday and that stuff...

anyways

finals next week! dang

only finals thatll be hard are bio spanish and english...

O SHIT

ENGLISH

DAMN DAMN DAMN

SERIOUSLY I JUST REMEMBER I HAVE TO READ THE ODYSSEY STILL

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Grah

now im even more depressed than i was 1 minute ago -_______________-.

great.

Out

talking

Today started out bad. Woke up to fresh angry screams from dearest mummy. After she yelled at me all morning, i picked up claire at 2:30ish. We drove home and me and claire decided to watch a movie. We had a few choices, but after my mum insisted on us watching a movie we quickly decided was quite gay (as in gay happy!) so we switched with another one bout a white guy crashing his plane and surviving with an eskimo chick. it was pretty good. We then were fastforwarding through the first gay movie for fun to the good parts. It was nicholas cage's first major movie. and he had the WEIRDEST line ever. soooooooooo weird. anyways after that my dad had us barbeque the chicken and we spied on daniel. We ate then went on a walk. We walked around the block twice and then just sat. We talked about stuff. The conversation ended up drifting towards what we really wanted. She ended up asking me what i wanted. I considered telling her, but i dont really care about what i want. Its much more important to me that she gets what she wants. I do want stuff but im just like eh whatever to what i want. If i tell her it might affect her decisions towards my selfish desires that i dont even really care about much. What makes her happy is really what i want. So i asked her what she wanted. She eventually said i wish half of 2008 had never happened (something along those lines). for a while we talked a small bit about the thing. we then went in and eventually her mom came and picked her up.

I dont know if she wants to talk about it any more. If she duz thats fine if she duznt thats fine. I just want whatever makes her happy and comfortable about this. Whatever makes her happy. Because i love her so much <3.

Looking forward to tomorrow.

Out

slightly emo me

Im so tired. Ive been pretty depressed lately. it sorta started over christmas break but its hit full swing now. I feel like everythings becoming a battle. Classes, family, friends, etc. I dont got the energy to keep on fighting it all. I just want to roll up into a ball sit in a corner and let life go by. If i tried that im sure claire and nicky would find me drag me out of that corner. It seems that they're the only 2 good people left in my life. I also havnt been getting enough sleep lately just because i simply cant fall asleep. I just lie there sometimes for hours unable to sleep because im thinking about the things i care about. Main reasons im sad

my friends mostly arent people i feel i can be myself around. Darren is extremely quiet and doesnt care enough about other people and the world around him. He is too sucked up in the grades rat race that many students are working in. He doesnt interact with others enough and is out of touch with his friends. Tyler is somewhat selfish and doesnt really care about his friends and how they feel. He just wants them for company. And if that company gets bad he wants them gone. That happened between us in early 7th grade and he told me to leave our little group but by late 7th grade we were decent friends again. Tulanis an annoying self righteous conceited superior smug pig. Raymond doesnt really know me at all. A few other faces i know who just dont understand me. Nickys my only friend who i feel takes me seriously. I havnt always been the best friend but hes been good. he doesnt fully understand me either but id say only like 1 or maybe 2 people ever have.

School is completely stupid. Im cheating in biology to pass because hedstrom is completely retarded and cant teach for crap. I do feel sorta bad for this although if i had a decent teacher from which i could actually learn the damn material from. Spanish is impossible because i cant really understand the stupid lady who switches between english i cant hear cuz of her accent and spanish i dont understand. Shes also an evil bat who marks me down for the stupidest reasons. Ive got a bunch of people who think they are funny making fun of me for the stupidest reasons. Most of them are stupid jackasses. In Cadd ive got mason calling me gay cuz he thinks hes hilarious. English is my only class with pretty much good people. In math i got a bunch of high drunk sex addicted "cool" people harassing me asking if i wanna get high and if... well never mind.

Shouting mom and jackass brother make up my family life.

At school and around people i might seem mostly normal maybe a little quieter and subdued but pretty much the same. Thats just me. I never really show whats going on in the inside when im surrounded by people. I just laugh and talk and go with the flow. Even when on the inside im crying. Ive only got one good reason not to give up. And its my only reason to be happy.

Hopefully things improve

Out

Longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg and boring

Today was longgg and annoying and tedious. All the classes the time seemed to inch by. P.E ran laps which was boring. Spanish watched ppl present little minimes which was boring. Break was fun one of the few times i smiled all day. Cadd was boring worked on project. Bio was actually better than usual although its like from hell (worst possible) to a torture chamber. Stupid worksheet. Lunch was stupid and boring. English was boring test. Geometry was boring.

Came home had to build cabinet with mom. After trying to point out her mistakes and in return being yelled at, i let her fiddle wrongly with the screws for 45 minutes or so and eventually tried to take an ormanent off the tree with a hammer out of pure self amusement. Not a good idea. After it broke mum blamed me for the cabinet problems and left. Dad took over and we finished 20-30mins later. Annoying as hell

Quite a pattern there with those classes eh?

I feel like im stuck and nothings ever going to change...

i know it will change eventually but still i just feel stuck. Its depressing D=

Outtie

-_______________________-

im angry. my day was good until after math.

P.E was just in gym playing with good basketball players who ran circles around me and blocked all my shots. Spanish we had a sub which is good cuz ANYONES better then holloway. He even didnt care if we had music players so i looked at my neighbors ipod. Cadd was worse than usual we had sub who was strict and didnt let me go online to games and stuff. Break was nice and apparently claires brother wants to marry me. Biology was bad just old lady ranting. English was ok. Math was ok. After math while i was waiting for my ride i talked to charles. Charles is a guy who hanged out with my group of friends for a while earlier on in the year. After I started hanging out with claire at break and our group started going to chess club sometime and became more scattered, he ended up hanging out with spencers group. Anyways i was talking with charles and now im mad. not at him just at stuff he told me.

Now my brothers being a jackass making me madder

-_________________________________-

out

burn the epithet creature!

Hello all. Blogging from the piedmont library supposed to be in spanish tutoring. Today was probably the best school day so far in 2009. P.E was funny and slightly embarrassing cuz miss harris made us run these weird races in ways that made us feel very selfconcious. Everyone kept falling over cuz they were dizzy. Spanish was boring as always the old bat ranted and i slept. Break was good to get away from all the school stuff. Cadd was ok took notes and went on internet. Hedstrom was her usual stupid self i dont really remember what it was about all i remember is her staring at me O.O. lunch was ok. english was funny and annoying at the same time cuz i had to present my epithet creature and the first time OW saw it she burst out laughing and everyone else wanted to see what mine looked like. They were whispering my name to whoever picked next to pick me and eventually i went. I tried to hide my creature but OW said i had to show it and i did and everyone laughed. i messed up the eyes so much -.-. math was better than usual since most of the druggies were cutting class. And then i went to library and here i am.

i want to burn my epithet creature XD.

Out

whatever the future may hold

Dear bloggeh,

Today was long. Couldnt concentrate in classes and the clocks seemed to be going backwards. Fell asleep in 2 of my classes again (spanish and geometry). I should probably go to bed sooner. But when im in bed and supposed to be sleeping im never tired! its so annoying >.<. P.E tiring, Spanish sleeping, Break relaxing and fun, cadd stupid, Bio retarded, English funny (cuz i got to listen to people maul greek words particulairly Vi with her accent) and geometry sum more sleeping.

Hmm ive fallen asleep in 5 classes so far in this new year, and if you discount P.E cuz thats not really a class, i have a 50% chance to fall asleep in class! awesome XD.

Looking forward into 2009, i hope its better than 2008. 2008 was quite good but hopefully 2009 is even better :D. My particular favorite time of 2008 was the last few months, and this year is the first year ive started with the thing that makes me the happiest ive ever been in my life. As long as i have it i can take all the rest of the crap that gets thrown at me. Hopefully all the crap will also improve, but thats like an added bonus. Its one of the few times in my life ive been truely happy about something. In the downs of my life where ive felt hopeless and depressed, its because ive had nothing to be happy about and the crap had gotten worse. But as long as i have one truely good thing to hold on to, i cant really be depressed. The good thing just shines through it all. This is the first time in my life that ive felt like someone will always be there for me.

I probably should stop ranting bout stuff but i like saying my mind.

Or typing my mind

whateva ;D

Out

Restless

Dear bloggy,

First day back to school today. And upon entering this new year of school i managed to set a record and fall asleep in 3 of my classes! boo ya! In spanish where holloway walked right up next to me and said loudly in my ear how i expect to pass if i cant even stay awake. Then in bio where i slept for like 30 mins str8 with stupid hedstrom not even noticing to be woken up by being hit in the head with a book as the class was leaving (good thing or else hedstrom mighta noticed). And then in geometry to be woken up by Mr. De La Rosa after every1 else left. He shook me awake and then said its ok since i get As anyways >.>. Hes cool prbly 2nd fav teacher. Was up till 1:30 this morning working on epithet creature. Break was as always the highlight of my day and lunch was boring cuz i was working on taping things onto my epithet guy.

Been sorta restless lately. just thinking about things that bother me and how they need to be fixed. The tyler thing seems more stable after we got chance to hang out yesterday golfing. Seemed pretty normal today although i think im going to make sure im hanging with him during lunch more often. however if worst comes to worst and he demands what i think he might, im going to have to let him go as a friend. not looking forward to that. Another things been bothering me for months now and i think it will keep bothering me until it can be put to rest in its fair time and im ok with waiting for it as long as it takes for it to be ready.

Im hoping me and nicky and friends and ppl can maybe do another mall/bowling thing sometime that was fun :D. Also hoping claire and i do something this weekend although this is maybe due to reluctant mother which would suck if we cant and id have no idea what to do with all my extra time o.O.

Out

old friend new friend

This post is for sunday cuz i had to do homework didnt have time to do one then.

Sunday was a fun day. I woke up and went on computer to make sure claire could go to dave and busters later. Me and my mom left for golfing with tyler and his mom. It was fun and i got a chance to talk with tyler which i havnt for a while. Both Tyler and his mom were terrible. They couldnt get the golf ball off the ground. it was funny XD. it was still fun i did ok although i still cant put for squat.

After golf i went directly to claires house to pick her up for dave and busters. Shawn invited us to go with him and norman. We met up there and went inside. Once we were in i bought a card and put the dave and busters money thingies on it. Me and claire just walked around and played random games while shawn and norman went crazy at the wheel of fortune token pusher doohickey. Later we all went and played trivia. I won the most cuz i know too many random facts >.>. some bratty kids sitting on both of my sides were copying my answers and even reached over and hit my answer buttons to mess me up. i wanted to throttle them. We played some more games and eventually ended with this bowling game where u have to spin a bowling ball attached to a machine. and it was SO F#($ING MESSED UP! u went down a big hill then up one and it was almost impossible to reach the top. i got 37. and that was the HIGH SCORE. extremely sad. We then went to ticket store where i just bought candy cuz they didnt have anything good. Claires mum picked us up and took me home.

Very fun day.

Out

One single choice

Today was ok. Slept in till 10, then went and saw valkyrie with my older brother and dad. As usual in theaters, daniel demanded having the big popcorn tub and made loud crunching noises for much of the movie. The movie was extremely good though. It was about some good nazis who were trying to kill hitler in order to save germany and based on a true story. I thought Colonoel stauffenberg (main good guy trying to kill hitler) was great. He was bold, decisive, good at thinking on hist feet, and persuasive towards people he wanted to join them. The plan was also mainly his idea, despite the fact he was much younger and not as high ranked at the others involved in the plan. The plan was brilliant, and marred only by extreme bad luck. If it hadnt been so hot on the day, a bag hadnt been moved, 2 men who werent sure what side to take had taken the other side, one man had been where he was supposed to be, OR a man had acted when he was supposed to it wouldve worked. any of those things couldve happend. And that single choice to do what was just couldve changed history. Germany fell, under hitler, 9 months later. It was a great movie full of deviousness, intrigue, cunning, and twists and turns that leave u hanging on the edge of ur seats till the final minutes. I highly recommend this movie to pretty much everyone.

The brave people feature in valkyrie made a choice that changed history. Many single choices have molded to shape the world we live in today. Today i see people take risks and make choices that either pay off and help mold them into who they are today, or the choice is bad and turns out being a big mistake that they wish never happened. I say you only get one life and you live it once and any mistakes and successful risks are just a part of what happens and nothing to agonize over unless they can affect you in the future.

Anyways after i got back from valkyrie i went on computer and aimed with ppl and listened to the playoff football games today. First game is falcons vs. cardinals and im like NO WAY CARDINALS WIN THE FALCS WILL CRUSH EM! and then the cardinals win -____-. Then colts vs. chargers and im like CHARGERS SUCK COLTS GOT DIS! then chargers win in overtime -____________- im 0-2 on playoff games so far and the next 2 im even less sure about those 2. Gah im sure none of my readers care about football but anywho...

Looking forward to golf and Dave and busters tmrw!

Out

why i DONT like blogger

Grah im frustrated but not really with blogger. Just something else and the fact the whole public can see. Its not the 2 new followers i have nothing to do with that at all i like having more followers. There are some things i want to let out and rant about but not for everyone to see. Some things that maybe i just write just for me. wish i could block certain posts to people. Maybe let them out later when things have changed. Damn i wish i had a diary. too bad my brother is constantly trying to be nosy and look at my aim chats and stealing my stuff and hed steal that diary if i tried. I just want to VENT then read my own writing itd help make me feel better bout things. Sorta comfort myself. sad i know. idk why i get so frustrated about this anyways...

And dont worry anyone i might know im not mad at anyone or anything just me getting mad over things for little or no reason.

Just me being crazy.

Out

Leonardo Da vinci

Dear bloggy,

Today i went to the Da Vinci exhibit with claire and her family. It was pretty interesting. It leaves town in 2 days so i recommend seeing it tmrw if u have not yet. Da Vinci was obviously an amazing genius restricted by the lack of technology in his time. If he had been alive during the 20th century, i think we would be about 10 years ahead technologically from where we are now.

After the exhibit we went to eat at The old spaghetti factory (i think thats right >.>) which i insisted should be called ye olde spaghetti castle so its more old sounding. Anyways i got fettucini alfredo which was ok. we went to her house after where we watched a movie her uncle helped to make that was in french. I couldnt understand a word but it looked funny XD. After i got taken home by her mum.

and OMG i got my 3rd follower. Havnt gotten new follower since i like started. Dunno who it is for sure all i know is 14 year old female who, judging by the list of blogs shes following, is a friend of claires or nickys.

Anyways out

welcome 2009!

Well it now be the year 2009! To kick off the new year, i stayed up late till 2, drank too much sparkling apple cider, and got hyper. I didnt make any real resolutions, just more of some goals for the next year. Heres a little list:

• Contact Ryan Carlsson!
• Dont get as mad at mom and dan and less often.
• Convince parents to get us xbox 360
• Dont mess up what i have with claire and try to still be together in 2010 and hopefully beyond!
• find a way to get an A in biology (cheating if it comes down to that but hopefully not)
• get spanish
• be a happy man!

Yes a very exciting list there.

Anyways today was fun. Stayed up till 2 in morning and then went to bed. Didnt do anything in morning and got picked up by claire at 1:30ish. Went to see Seven Pounds which was ok somewhat depressing though. Will Smith did a pretty good job he always does. Anyways then we went to claires house where we played video games with alex for a while which got boring after a while. Still had fun i always do :D.

Out